


Secrets.

by locrianrose



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abusive Relationships, F/F, F/M, M/M, Mind Controll
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-15
Updated: 2014-09-15
Packaged: 2018-02-17 11:35:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2308190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/locrianrose/pseuds/locrianrose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Passing from love to control to addiction to freedom. The journey of Meulin Leijon through life, a game, and what came after.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Secrets.

When she had  woken  up that night she'd clung to him desperately, trying to calm his thrashing until she'd heard the roar that had shattered windows and left her curled on the ground to the side of where they'd been laying.  It  had hurt so much, the pain in her ears unbearable.

He'd taken her to a Doctorturer,  mumbling something about a speaker exploding to those there. Meulin had been catatonic by then, simply curled into his arms with her hands placed firmly over her ears, pressing down tightly. They'd pried them away, Kurloz watching nervously. Meulin had been trembling and shaking and crying when they had run their scans. She'd remembered Kurloz holding her hand, then he'd been gone, and she'd been alone, unable to hear what was taking place around her and what they were saying.

They'd taken her to a Highbloods home and left her there to be coddled. She didn't know how long she'd been there when he'd finally came in the early dusk, calling her to him, but something had changed. She'd hadn't seen his lips as she hugged him tightly, but to her surprise, he'd pushed her gently away from him, refusing to allow the affection at that time.

She'd stared up in horror, muttering, pleading with him to tell her he hadn't done that. He'd simply taken her hand, slowly pulling her along behind him as she cried. He'd been patient for a few minutes before he turned to her, moving his hands in gestures she didn't understand.

He let out a soft sigh at her incomprehension then his eyes glowed purple and she felt him in her mind, a gentle presence speaking to her.

" _Meu, love, quiet now. All will be well._ "

She stared into his eyes, then blinked slowly, glancing around his hive. He was sitting across the floor from her, smoking as he watched her. His eyes seemed to pierce her, and she shifted uncomfortably.

"Kurloz?" She said his name uncertainly, inhaling the smoke that filled the room, relaxing. He slowly gestured her forward, and she scooted closer. He inhaled the smoke though a gap in the stitches, pulling her towards him and placing his stitched lips on hers, sharing the smoke with her.

She relaxed-he'd explain things when he was ready-then curled up on the floor at his side. Kurloz ran his hand through her hair, and sure enough, she eventually heard the voice in her mind again.

"What are you doing?" She asked him, and he placed a finger over her lips.

_"I can hear you."_

" _I can talk this way?"_  She'd thought the words as pointedly as she could at him and felt a gentle pressure-something that could best be described as a gentle flick.

_"Not so loud, silly kitten."_

_"Like this?"_

She felt his approval in her mind and smiled from where she lay on the floor at his side  ~~alone alone why was no one with her~~  feeling a gentle hand scratch her hair. She let out a little purr, feeling herself relax there as she drifted off into a hazy sleep full of dreams of messiahs and angels coming to save them all.

"A game?" Her voice was unnaturally loud, but instead of the gentle scolding she usually received she only felt his boundless excitement as he nodded to her, his enthusiasm spreading into her mind to consume her. She prepared excitedly, spending time alone while Kurloz stocked their sylladexes with what he said they'd need. She prepared eagerly, and when the game began she played it masterfully, her only distraction the shipping that she participated in with Kurloz, cherishing the time he spent with her. The pity that had once blossomed between then was a distant dream, one that Meulin was only able to truly remember  when she saw him sleeping, recalling when things had been different.

He still kissed her in the heat of the moment, but compared to the once passionate kisses they had shared this was merely a chaste gift given to her as he felt the mirth, his stitched lips pressing to her forehead for a mere moment, a smile that for once reached his eyes pulling on the stitches, directed at something he alone seemed to see.

Some part of her knew he didn't pity her. That was the part that didn't like him in her mind, that felt something was horribly wrong. It was nearly silent now, and she could feel it growing weaker. The one thing that had stayed the same was her pity for him, the same love and care for him. As the game started he was more distant, but there were still occasions when he would allow her to lay next to him on patch of grass, their hands nearly touching as they talked. Those were the times she felt the most whole, as if nothing was clouding her mind, as if it was just them again, and his messiahs weren't sowing their seeds in her mind.

Then it changed. He called her to his planet, mentally urging her to him, something hungry in his mind.  ~~She was scared, terrified and why wouldn't someone save her, she didn't want him to hurt her, and she just wanted him to let her be herself.~~   Almost casually she'd said no, then hurried to Porrim who'd requested her company as well on an endeavor. She almost forgot the presence in her mind as she assisted Porrim on a quest, eagerly helping the other troll. The quest was finished eventually, and she came back to her planet, preparing to complete her own quests.

He came when she was sleeping, his presence in her mind sharp, cutting into thoughts and memories, twisting them against her.  ~~The fear, the fear, why didn't someone come, Kurloz, please!~~ She cowered before him as he reached her, the casual contact he held with her mind now binding her to him as he grabbed her by the collar of her shirt, dragging her cruelly along with him. Her mind betrayed her, forcing horrible visions into her mind, scenes of death and distraction. She was blind to what he did as he ministered to her body, careful hands on her skin cleaning away dirt and impurities. He dressed her in clean clothing, hiding away her body, as it should be. His Disciple might be a sentimental fool, but he would never touch her like he had before now. That was part of his penance, and he would hold to it, even if she betrayed the redemption that he wanted to provide for her.

When she finally was raised from the terror in her mind, his presence seemingly clearing it away, he was standing over her, staring blankly down.

_"Bitch. Whore. I would save you. I would try to save you from your sins, and then this?"_  He was disgusted, and she cowered before him, begging for repentance till he slowly knelt at her side, wiping her tears away with a gentle hand to embrace her as she clung to him, sobbing, promising to obey him and the Messiahs, anything if the terror that had held her would leave her in peace.

He allowed her to cry to him, then gently took her shoulders and held her away from him. She looked into his eyes and he nodded, the words appearing in her mind.

_"Forgiven. Sister, do not cry."_

Meulin had thanked him then, praising the messiahs and promising to listen to him. She didn't disobey again, shame coming over her if she even considered the thought it.

Then a day came when they were no longer alone. Damara joined them sullenly, glaring at them both.  None of them spoke, and Meulin accepted the silence.  ~~Why were they talking about her as if she wasn't here? Kurloz? Please listen!~~  Damara ignored her after that, although on more than one occasion Meulin would resurface to see Kurloz standing between the two of them. He would look at Meulin, then leave, and Damara would laugh long and hard.

After the accident that left him broken Mituna would join them often, Damara teasing and taunting Kurloz about something that Meulin could never quite remember. Meulin would sometimes catch Mituna staring at Kurloz, sadness in his eyes but then it would change- Mituna would be back to his usual mood swings, babbling to them. 

Sometime after this, Kurloz forbade Meulin from following him constantly as she had done since he had forgiven her, bidding her to go out among the other trolls. She sadly did so, but then a whisper in her mind told her that the messiahs would bless her- the mirth seeping into her soul from him as he shared it, showing her the glorious purpose that she was helping to achieve. She threw herself into her shipping, talking with everyone about everything. She didn't know why, but she could tell Kurloz was pleased with what she was doing. She kept going, doing it, and she learned so much. The others didn't take her seriously, and they told her things they wouldn't have otherwise. Kurloz used that, praising her and telling her how the Messiahs would bless her when they came, and she was glad.  ~~And she just wanted to cry just let her be free and go away she doesn't want your redemption~~

Then it ended. The bomb was set, but all he did was smile, silent. No comfort was offered as the bomb counted down, Kankri irritably speaking with Meenah, then it all ended, a flash of light, then the world shattered and reformed what felt like an eternity later, and she was truly alone in her mind.

He was gone. Absent. The space he'd taken up inside her was empty and aching, and she set off on her search for him. Passing through the bubbles she saw countless other versions, but they were never him-and she needed to find him, to be sure he was there and to fill the ache inside of her.

Time passed, if that was what it could even be called that here, and eventually a time came when she felt him slide back into her mind, calling her to him. The joy that she had expected to feel at his return was absent, leaving her strangely empty and yearning to feel the emotions as she answered his call.

She traversed the bubbles, following the pull in her mind till she finally found him. He wasn't alone. Damara was lazing to the side, and Kurloz was sitting there, smoking. . Meulin approached cautiously, and when he spotted her he urged her forward to him. She hurried to his side, smiling uncertainly as she stood there, sitting down when he patted the ground next to him. Damara barked something sarcastic sounding that Meulin didn’t understand, and for a moment the world went fuzzy, righting itself for Meulin to find her head laying in Kurloz’s lap, his hands toying with her hair.

She simply needed to relax. Damara was just jealous of the attention that Kurloz was giving her; that was all. The words sank into her mind, and she gradually became aware of her surroundings. She was relaxing on the cool grass, her head in his lap. Damara was gone, and she looked up at him curiously, speaking out loud after a moment.   

“Kurloz?” He put a finger to his lips, and she quieted, waiting for him to speak. She’d missed him, hadn’t she?

He’d came into her mind then, showing her the vision of what he would bring, and of the Bard that the Messiahs had guided him to would lead them all to their victory. She was caught up in the joy of his vision, and it warmed her and filled her with the wild mirth that he deigned to share with her at times. All would be well, so long as she continued to serve the Messiahs and their Bard, and so she did, serving their every whim with no thought of herself, preparing herself for the day when they would all come and take the faithful away.

She never thought to question the fact that Kurloz rarely left her mind, cushioning it from the extremes of any emotions except for his mirth, leaving her his joyful Disciple. A day came when he pressed his lips gently to hers, then left her, his mind pressing instructions firmly into hers to stay where she was, and to prevent the others from coming- they sought to harm the Messiahs, and this was how she’d gain her redemption.

Something had been different that time when he left her. His mind had been melancholy when he gave her the task that the Messiahs desired of her, and she had never understood just why, but he had bid her farewell and thanked her for the service that she had given him.

Kankri was the first who tried to pass. He hadn’t expected her to be there, let alone for her to oppose him, and she slit his throat and felt Kurloz’s approval in her mind. He’d come back, but by the time he did it would be too late.

Latula came next, and Meulin took a blow from the others skateboard before she managed to slash her claws deeply into her flesh, leaving her bleeding out on the ground, gasping.

Meulin should have expected Porrim to come, to smell the blood that stained her hands and flowed out on the ground, but she didn’t. The rainbow drinker was more than a match for the deaf troll, drinking from her deeply, pity in her eyes, as if she knew something more than Meulin did.  By the time the other troll was done, Meulin couldn’t move from where she lay, and she could feel Kurloz’s anger in her mind at what had happened.

They left her there, lying on the ground, as Porrim helped the slowly healing Kankri away, Rufioh happening across the scene to take Latula back to her hive. Meulin simply lay there, unable to move, and for the first time, Kurloz opened his mind to her, allowing her to see the scene that was taking place far away, as the Messiah came.

She felt his mirth as she watched, then everything was hurting and Kurloz cut her out of his mind completely, forcing the connection between them apart. A gasp escaped her lips, and she finally realized that she was laying on the ground, alone. Dizziness consumed her mind, and she was forced to try to recall the fuzzy events with Porrim, Latula, and Kankri. Unable to move, she simply lay there till someone came. She didn’t know who it was at the first, but when they finally stood above her she saw Mituna, somewhat more in control of himself than he usually was.

He understood. She knew that, the moment that their eyes met. They exchanged a few signs, and he helped her up, stumbling along with her till they reached the scene of devastation, Kurloz lying to the side of the crater. His body was bloody and broken ~~and Meulin was glad~~. There were others there, humans and trolls alike, but Meulin only had eyes for Kurloz. He weakly raised a hand to wave it at her, but for once he stayed clearly out of her mind, and for the first time in a long time she was glad to be alone.

He died. She didn’t know how much of it had been a choice of his own, or if he’d served his messiahs to the very end of it all. Mituna cursed and called him some choice names, but Meulin knew that he understood what it felt like to have been used so thoroughly, to have your mind violated and used by another.

She didn’t miss him anymore.

They were free.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Cause Meuloz is a messed up ship. Let me know in the comments what you think! Thanks for reading!


End file.
